I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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