You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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