I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
