wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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