Are we in a gay sports bar?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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