I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
