Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
