I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
