if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
