If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
