I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
