My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
