I think I won the penis lottery.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
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