Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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