I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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