I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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