Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
