About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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