I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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