is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
