well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
