Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
