i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
