I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
