i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
whose parrot is this?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
