I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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