i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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