Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize