Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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