when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
