i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
