Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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