I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
