I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
