i would punch a child for taco bell
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
