sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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