Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
