the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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