Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
