You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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