I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
