wrigley field is MILF paradise
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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