did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
