I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
