I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
