i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Text me some of your sweat
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
