what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You are a genius and a whore.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
