Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
