Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize