I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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