I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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