just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
