She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
