Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
