i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
