Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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