yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
