i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Randomize
