So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
