1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
