bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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