I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
